The Lord of the Cows

Chapter 1 ~ gun

He made an “x”  in his mind, from ear to eye, from eye to ear. He pulled the trigger, the gun went off, the cow swung her head from side to side, bellowed, and stood up. It hadn’t been standing in over a week. The cow took off running leaving a trail of blood dripping from its head.

The Boy jumped into a tractor, an old John Deere 4440, he turned the key, it coughed, cleared out, and roared. He drove the tractor into the wounded cow. Her horn punctured the tire, it kept rotating and broke her neck. A hissing noise was coming from the tire and cow. One could be patched. 

The boy did not get the butcher knife, the cow was condemned, not for dinner. He had to get rid of her. There are no good ways to get rid of a cow, but there are fun ways, tannerite, which is modern day dynamite. The boy ran to the barn, grabbed the containers, and headed back towards the cow. As he was walking, he mixed the ammonium nitrate and aluminum powder together, shaking, and whistling as he went. He placed the container underneath the cow’s head. 

Tannerite has to be penetrated by a bullet to detonate. He walked 100 yards back to where he first shot the cow and picked up his gun.  He pulled the trigger, pow, he missed, he pulled the trigger again, pow, he missed, with each miss he stepped closer, the boy was a terrible shot. He could barely hold the gun in his small arms. He got up to 50 yards, click, he ran out of bullets. He started picking up the spent shells, there was a reloader in the shop. He walked to the shop, and started reloading the cartridges. He started reloading the first bullet when he realized he was out of gunpowder. Off to the hardware store he went in his hand made Try-Ped. 

The Try-Ped was powered by a log splitter engine with a centrifugal clutch. It had two bike tires on the back and the front half of a scooter attached to the nose. It went 25 miles per hour with shoe breaks. It gots its name “Try-Ped” because it used to be pedal driven before he stole the engine.  

The boy chained his Try-Ped to the hitching post and walked into the hardware store. There was a long glass counter with a cash register on it and several pistols and knives in it. Behind the counter was a man. Behind the man was guns. Behind the guns was a wall. 

 “Boy, I  hope no Amish show up, want a lollipop?” said the man behind the counter. 

The boy said “Yes, do you got pink, that’s my favorite, pink like pigs, do you got any gunpowder?” 

Reaching for a pink lollipop the man said “Sure thing, what’re’ ya reloading?”  

The boy replied “The Downs Gun”. 

The man asked “did you have an accident”.  

The boy replied “yeah, 7-year-old went down about a week ago, parents are away visiting my sister in Ohio so I’m running the farm”. The boy recounted the story and ended it with “craziest thing I’ve seen in all my life”. 

The man chuckled, “you’ll see a lot more stuff like that if you live to be as old as me”. 

The man had in fact never seen anything out of the ordinary. 

“How old are you?” asked the boy. 

“25” said the man. “Will this go on the farm account?” 

“Yeah, save on taxes. Can I get the receipt? Would you like to come along? I’m using tannerite!” 

“Yes, I love tannerite, it’s so cool. Let me check out the last customer and then I’ll put the sign up that says ‘out for poop, back in 15 minutes.’  

The boy was petting the horse that was standing over his Try-Ped. An Amish woman walked out of the store, untied the horse and left.  The Man said to the boy, “she needed batteries for her flashlight, she sneaks off to the hayloft at night to read. I loaned her books. Last book I got back I had to take an allergy pill before reading. I said, “Why don’t you go to a library. Said they ain’t allowed a library card.” 

The boy replied “I don’t understand all their rules, they make fine neighbors, wouldn’t steal a kernel of corn.” 

The man said “yeah but will charge you a penny for it.”  

“Do you have the rope?” asked the man “yes, always“ Replied the boy as he tossed him the rope tied to the back of the Try-Ped. The boy said excitedly “now we have brakes with your wheelchair”. The man replied “yeah, but only if I hold onto the rope with one hand and hit the brakes with my other”. 

“You can wear my helmet” said the boy as he tossed him his helmet. The boy carved the helmet himself out of a cow’s skull. They took off, the boy in the Try-Ped with the gunpowder pulling the man in the wheelchair with the cow helmet. They caught up to the Amish woman, and as they were passing her, the sight of the helmet spooked the horse. The horse bolted through the field, dragging the carriage behind it as it headed straight for the boy’s farm. The boy saw carrion birds circling in that direction. 

When they got to the farm they were surprised to find the Amish lady. She greeted them “howdy, I seen and smelt your dead cow down there with its horn stuck in the tractor, and I seen your gunpowder in the Try-Ped under my horse, mind if I stay and watch, I always wanted to see fireworks in person, I reads about them in books, Gandalf has the best”. 

 “He does,” replied the man. 

“Yes, it’s gonna be a blast, we’ve got to reload the bullets first, come help us” said the boy. 

They all three walked together towards the shop, picking, blowing, and making wishes with dandelions. “What’d you wish for?” said the man. “I wish for a great big explosion” said the Amish lady. “Same” said the man. 

They got back to the barn and started reloading the bullets. They lined up like a factory, the man was priming the case, the Amish lady was filling the powder, and the boy was seating the bullets. The man took one of the primers and hit it with a hammer, crack, a sharp loud noise. The boy and the Amish lady jumped and hit their heads on the rafters. “That scared me,” said the boy. “I much enjoyed that” said the Amish lady, “though I wish I would have known it was coming for I would have loved to see the spark”. 

The boy said “I think that should be enough,” the man agreed. The Amish lady wanted to make more bullets but she didn’t say anything. The three of them walked towards the cow, the boy loading the gun. They stopped 100 yards from the cow and the boy said to the amish lady “would you like to do the honors?”. She responded “Yes, but I’ve never shot a gun before, can you show me?”. “It’s easy, you just pull the trigger,” said the man. The boy pulled the trigger and shot into the air and down dropped a carrion bird. “See easy peasy” said the man kicking the bird to see if it was alive. 

The boy handed the Amish lady the Downs gun, she took it and said “I’m not allowed to shoot guns with a red dot.” She handed it back to the boy and he unscrewed the scope with his pocket knife and handed it back to her. She took the gun and laid down on her belly with the gun out in front of her. The man threw the dead bird under her barrel to steady the gun. With no pause the Amish lady pulled the trigger, pow! Boom! The bullet hit the tannerite and exploded. The cow exploded. The tractor exploded. Bolts and bones and birds flying everywhere. One hit the Amish lady in the mouth and she lost a tooth. She smiled proudly. Luckily it was a baby tooth. The cow disappeared. On the same day every year the birds would have a holiday and praise the bountiful god of tennertite.  

hey if you like this email me RidgeStandup@gmail.com and if you really like it venmo me (ridge-hershberger) and I’ll keep going and get someone to edit it so it’s easier to read.